Best Tommy Boy Quotes for a Good Laugh

Holy schnikes!

I killed it! I killed your sale!

Fat guy in a little coat…

I’m not a salesman, I’m a salesman’s son. And I’ll tell you what freedom is to me: no salesmen.

You can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a bull’s ass, but I’d rather take a butcher’s word for it.

Did you eat a lot of paint chips as a kid?

I’m just trying to make my dad proud.

No, I can’t go home, I’ve got an industrial-sized playpen I’ve got to jump on.

You know what the worst part about working here is? The customers!

I’ve proven to everyone that I can make a sale!

I know I’m not as smart as you kiwi geniuses…

You know what I say when things go wrong? Just say ‘Hey, I know what I’m doing. I’m smart. Not like everybody says!’

I’m on a mission from God!

Did you hear I finally graduated?

Dad would come by and say ‘Hey, Tommy, who’s your favorite Little Rascal?’

You better pray to the god of skinny punks that this wind doesn’t pick up, ’cause I’ll come over there and jam an oar up your ass!

Look, Richard. I can just give you my father’s lawyer’s phone number and…

Appliance Direct! You’re kickin’ me where it hurts!

You can’t collect underpants, without step 2: ??????

Best Tommy Boy Quotes for a Good Laugh part 2

Tommy want wingy!

Richard, where’s your shitter?

Bees! Bees! Bees in the car! Bees everywhere! God, they’re huge! They’re ripping my flesh off!

Car parts. Car parts. Car parts.

I can’t help it. I’ve got a meaty frame!

I’m not a doctor, but I play one at the brake pads place.

Swing batta batta batta, swing batta batta batta, swing batta batta batta.

Luke, I am your father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former roommate.

My nerves are shot; I need a drink!

Housekeeping! You want me to fluff your pillow?

Wow, your house is so big. My house used to be big, but my dad sold it.

I love you. You’re my brother, and I’d do anything for you. But seriously, never, ever, ever, do that again. Never.

I haven’t seen a beatin’ like that since somebody stuck a banana in my pants and turned a monkey loose.

Whoa, wait. You mean I’m gonna be a millionaire but I’ll never be number one? Then count me out!

Here’s the way I see it, Ted. The more you have, the more you have to lose.

I’m sorry about your car. I guess I put too much detailing into it.

The only reason I’m overweight is because a tiny body couldn’t hold this much personality.

Be my friend, or I’ll hurt you.

Why are you so crazy? Cause I’m a little bit country!

I’m the brains of the operation, and you’re the brawn. And Rich, you don’t have any brawn, pal.

Richard, were you watching Spank-travision?

What’s your favorite love song? I Will Always Love You. What’s your favorite Adam Sandler movie? Probably Billy Madison. What about you? I like Happy Gilmore. I can quote it word for word.

Richard, what were you doing?You were checking for a hernia. And? And I just found it.

I better turn on the charm. She’s really got me by the balls, and she doesn’t even know it!

You know what, kid? Grab life by the lips and yank as hard as you can!

Don’t make me get my fat guy in a little coat!

Let’s say you and I go toe-to-toe on bird law and see who comes out the victor?

I can actually hear you getting fatter.

My favorite part of working in a call center is the constant threat of death.

I don’t know but I’ve been told, you never slow down, you never grow old.

The key to selling one million brake pads is to believe you can sell one million brake pads.