Famous Funny Quotes

I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens. – Woody Allen

The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it. – Oscar Wilde

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. – Lily Tomlin

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. – Terry Pratchett

I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you. – Robin Williams

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets. – Al McGuire

I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants. – A. Whitney Brown

I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs. – Samuel Goldwyn

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. – Oscar Wilde

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure. – Unknown

I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. – Unknown

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. – Demetri Martin

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… She gave me a hug. – Unknown

I’m not lazy; I’m just on energy-saving mode. – Unknown

I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong. – Benjamin Franklin

Famous Funny Quotes part 2

I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning. – Unknown

I always take life with a grain of salt. And a slice of lime. And a shot of tequila. – Unknown

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. – Groucho Marx

I’m not clumsy. It’s just the floor hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way. – Unknown

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do. – Unknown

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them. – Unknown

If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? – Jerry Seinfeld

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. – Elbert Hubbard

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. – Bill Watterson

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat. – Lily Tomlin

I don’t have a bad handwriting. I have my own font. – Unknown

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… She gave me a hug. – Unknown

I’m not crazy. My reality is just different than yours. – Lewis Carroll

I can resist anything except temptation. – Oscar Wilde

I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, you know, just to be sure. – Unknown

I don’t have a short attention span; I just… Oh, look, a kitty! – Unknown

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure. – Unknown

The key to success is not taking life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. – Unknown

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. – A.A. Milne

I’m not lazy, I’m in energy-saving mode. – Unknown

I’m not clumsy, the floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way. – Unknown

I tried being normal once. Worst two minutes of my life! – Unknown

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. – Earl Wilson

I’m not fat, I’m just… easier to see. – Unknown

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. – Albert Einstein

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. – Elayne Boosler

I’m not arguing, I’m simply explaining why I’m right. – Unknown

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was. – Mitch Hedberg

I’m not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing. – Unknown

I’m not saying I’m Batman, I’m just saying no one has ever seen me and Batman in the same room. – Unknown