New Year’s resolutions are just like babies: fun to make but extremely difficult to maintain.
My New Year’s resolution is to be less awesome since I can’t handle all the attention.
May all your troubles last as long as your resolutions!
My New Year’s resolution is to stop pretending that I haven’t been eating directly from the cookie jar at midnight.
A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
This New Year’s, I resolve to live life in the moment – specifically, in the 5 seconds between hitting snooze and getting out of bed.
The only exercise I’ll be doing this year is flipping through the channels on my remote control.
I can’t believe it’s been a year since I didn’t become a better person.
Let’s celebrate New Year’s Eve by making lots of bad decisions that we can blame on the alcohol.
My resolution is to spend less time interacting with people and more time with my phone.
May all your troubles last as long as your resolutions!
New Year’s resolution: ignore more text messages and answer fewer phone calls.
My resolution is to eat more cupcakes because life is too short for kale.
New Year’s resolution: procrastinate more… starting tomorrow.
I’m starting to think that New Year’s resolutions are just a clever marketing ploy by gyms to make more money.
My resolution for this year is to be less patient… starting tomorrow.
The best part about making New Year’s resolutions is breaking them. That way, you can be a failure right from the start!
My New Year’s resolution is to stop pretending that I haven’t been using my treadmill as a clothes hanger.
This year, instead of making New Year’s resolutions, I’ll just blame my Zodiac sign for my poor life choices.
Here’s to opening a bottle of wine and pretending that the past year never happened.
My resolution is to stop pretending that five-second rule doesn’t apply to all food.
This year, I’ll eat all the chocolate because I really need to sweeten up my life.
May your true friends be fewer, but the good pizzas more this year.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop watching funny cat videos. Said no one ever.
Instead of resolutions, this year I’m making a list of things to pretend to care about.
May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions – about a week.
Remember, it’s not the destination that matters, it’s how many episodes you binge-watch on Netflix to get there.
My resolution is to be more self-aware, but after a few glasses of champagne, I’ll settle for just being aware of my surroundings.
New Year’s Resolution: More carbs, less cardio. I’m ready for a year of pasta and naps.
This year, I’m planning to give up resolutions. After all, I’m perfect just the way I am!
Why make a fresh start when you can just refresh the old one?
My resolution is to remember every word of the ‘Auld Lang Syne’ song… or at least the ones that actually exist.
My New Year’s resolution is to find out how to do the ‘running man’ dance move without actually running.
This year, I’ll be more spontaneous. As soon as I can plan it out perfectly.
May your troubles be less, your blessings be more, and nothing but happiness come through your door… unless it’s pizza delivery.
I’m looking forward to the new year, mainly for the new calendar with cute puppies on every page.
No matter how much we may dislike it, deep down, we all secretly look forward to failing our New Year’s resolutions.
This year, I’m resolving to be more punctual… except when it comes to returning borrowed items.
My resolution is to stop blaming autocorrect for my inappropriate text messages. It’s not my fault, it’s my phone’s!
May your New Year’s resolution be as short-lived as your attention span.
My goal for the new year is to stop pretending that I’ll start exercising before Netflix asks me if I’m still watching.
New Year’s resolution: stop getting sidetracked by funny cat videos… starting next year.
My resolution is to figure out if there’s a filter that can make me look like I’m always on vacation.
May the New Year bring you love, joy, and may it be just as good as last year’s.
This year, let’s resolve to make better bad decisions!
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