Funny quotes from famous people

I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book. – Groucho Marx

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets. – Al McGuire

I have a simple philosophy: Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches. – Alice Roosevelt Longworth

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. – Oscar Wilde

I can resist everything except temptation. – Mae West

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. – Mark Twain

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. – W.C. Fields

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. – Groucho Marx

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. – Henny Youngman

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. – Steven Wright

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back. – Richard Lewis

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it. – Franklin P. Jones

The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless. – Nicolas Chamfort

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet. – Rodney Dangerfield

Funny quotes from famous people part 2

I’m not afraid of death. I just don’t want to be there when it happens. – Woody Allen

Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion. – Fred Allen

The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. – Oscar Wilde

I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. – Woody Allen

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. – Woody Allen

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. – Bob Monkhouse

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. – Steve Martin

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. – Elayne Boosler

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. – Rodney Dangerfield

I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens. – Anita Loos

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. – Groucho Marx

The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat. – Lily Tomlin

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. – Groucho Marx

I didn’t fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong. – Benjamin Franklin

I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you. – Robin Williams

Life is hard. After all, it kills you. – Katharine Hepburn

If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito. – Betty Reese

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. – Albert Camus

I’m an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat. – Harold Wilson

The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them. – Josh Billings

The best way to predict the future is to create it. – Peter Drucker

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. – Robert Bloch

My mother always used to say: ‘The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.’ – Betty White

Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t handle science fiction. – Robin Williams

Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well. – Mark Twain

I don’t want to be a millionaire; I just want to live like one. – Dean Martin

I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants. – A. Whitney Brown

I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship. – Louisa May Alcott

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it? – Steven Wright

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten. – George Carlin