Funny Wise Quotes

I’m not clumsy, I’m just on a mission to make gravity look stupid.

Life is too short to be taken seriously, so laugh your way through it.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

The key to happiness is a good sense of humor, and a huge pizza.

If life gives you lemons, squeeze them into your enemy’s eyes.

Why fit in when you were born to stand out? And possibly trip over something in the process.

Common sense is like deodorant – the people who need it the most never use it.

There is no better exercise for your laughs than smiling at someone who annoys you.

To err is human, to blame it on someone else is even more human.

Friendship is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

I am so cool that even ice cubes are jealous of me.

It’s not true that I have nothing to wear. I have plenty, it’s just that my closet is occupied by clothes I no longer fit into.

I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.

The only time success comes before work is in the dictionary, and in extremely lucky situations.

I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.

If sarcasm burned calories, I’d be a supermodel by now.

The secret to a successful life is to eat your dessert first, because who knows what the future holds?

Dance like nobody’s watching, and sing like your voice is an angel’s… even if you’re completely tone-deaf.

Funny Wise Quotes part 2

I always carry a pen in my pocket because you never know when you’ll need to write down a great idea on a napkin.

The best jokesters are those who can make themselves laugh without any effort.

Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.

The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe, eat cake.

A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory.

I used to be indecisive. Now, I’m not so sure.

Don’t take life too seriously, nobody gets out alive anyway.

Life is like an ice cream cone – you have to lick it fast before it melts away.

There are two types of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data…

I’m not clumsy, I’m just a master of accidental acrobatics.

I’m as confused as a chameleon in a bag of Skittles.

Common sense is so rare these days, it should be classified as a superpower.

The best ideas come to you when you’re trying to fall asleep, but you’re too busy creating elaborate scenarios in your head.

The road to success is always under construction, so you better pack a lot of snacks.

If you think nobody cares, try missing a payment.

My brain has too many tabs open, and most of them are buffering.

Procrastination is like a credit card – it’s a lot of fun until you get the bill.

I may not be perfect, but at least I’m not you.

I love deadlines. I especially love the sound they make as they whiz by.

I’m not arguing, I’m just passionately explaining why I’m correct.

Common sense is like deodorant, the people who need it the most never use it.

If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.

Always follow your heart, but remember to bring your brain along for the ride.

I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.

When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

The trouble with trouble is that it always starts as fun.

A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down.