Humorous Quotes about Marriage and Relationships

Marriage is all about finding someone to blame for the TV remote being lost.

I asked my wife if she believed in ghosts. She said, ‘No, but I’m starting to believe in husbands!’

Husbands are like wine – they take a lot of time, patience, and a cellar to keep them in.

Marriage is a workshop where the husband works and the wife shops.

Behind every successful man is a surprised wife.

The only time my husband hears everything I say is when I’m talking in my sleep!

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that’s what she said.

A good husband always forgives his wife when she’s wrong. A great husband never lets her know.

They say opposites attract. My husband must be an electron because he wants to stay in his shell all the time!

A husband is someone who, after taking out the trash, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

I told my husband he should embrace his mistakes. He hugged me.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way!

My husband is like a fine wine – he gets better with age… until he gives me a headache.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a bear hug.

Marriage is like a bar of soap – once you think you have a good grip on it, it slips away.

Humorous Quotes about Marriage and Relationships part 2

My wife and I have an agreement: I don’t try to run her life and I don’t try to run mine!

Husbands are like fine wine – they give you a headache if you drink too much!

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have really liked to marry.

A good husband is like a good wine – they both improve with age, but you might still need a few glasses to deal with them.

My wife doesn’t mind me talking to myself. It’s the arguing part that bothers her.

My wife says I have selective hearing. I can’t remember what else she said after that.

Marriage is a relationship where one person is always right, and the other person is the husband.

My husband is the reason I wake up every morning. I sleep much better when he’s not there.

I don’t need a Valentine’s card. My husband keeps me laughing all year long.

Marriage is finding that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I asked my husband what he wanted for his birthday. He said, ‘A divorce.’ I wasn’t expecting that!

Marriage is when a man loses his bachelor’s degree and a woman gains her master’s degree.

My wife is the boss in our house, especially when I’m not around.

My husband is always insisting that we try new things in the bedroom. Like gardening.

Marriage is a relationship where one person is always right, and the other person is the wife.

My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in, and those inside are desperate to get out.

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, ‘Nothing would make me happier than a divorce.’ I forgot her birthday, but at least I remembered what she wanted!

Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is constantly changing, the pieces are alive, and there are no rules.

My wife is like a side of fries – she’s always there to support me and she goes great with everything.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have really liked to divorce.

My wife and I have an agreement: I make the decisions, and she decides if they’re right or wrong.

Husbands are like fine wine – they get better with age, until they’re corked.

Marriage is a partnership where one person is always right, and the other person is the husband. Or so the husband thinks.

I asked my wife if she would ever give me a trophy for being a good husband. She said, ‘Probably not, but I might give you an honorable mention.’

Marriage is like a game of poker. You start with a full house, but eventually someone has to fold.

Husbands are like coffee – they make mornings more enjoyable, but they also keep you up at night.

My wife is a true artist – she can make three meals out of nothing but leftovers.

Marriage is like a comedy show. You laugh a lot in the beginning, but by the end, you’re just glad it’s over.

I asked my wife what she wanted for our anniversary. She said, ‘Just surprise me.’ So I showed up on time.

My husband and I never go to bed angry. We stay up and argue until we’re too tired to fight anymore.

Marriage is like a dance. Sometimes you step on each other’s toes, but the key is finding a rhythm that works for both of you.

My wife always says I’m lazy. I prefer to think of it as selective participation.

Husbands are like firecrackers – they’re fun to have around, but you don’t want to give them too much power.