Christmas: the only time of year when it’s socially acceptable to have sugar cookies for breakfast.
Dear Santa, let’s keep it simple this year — just leave cash.
What do you get if you cross a snowman and a vampire? Frost-bite!
Christmas is just like a office party: you do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
Christmas calories don’t count, right? Let’s eat, drink, and be merry!
Christmas shopping is like a cardio workout for the wallet.
I’m dreaming of a white Christmas… but if the white is moving, it’s probably just my husband shoveling snow.
Christmas sweaters are the mullets of clothing — business in the front, awkward in the back.
Christmas is the only time of year when you can sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of socks.
The best way to spread Christmas cheer is to sing loud for all to hear… or just bring cookies, that works too.
Nothing says ‘Christmas spirit’ like pretending to like your in-laws.
Christmas shopping tip: Avoid the mall at all costs, unless you enjoy being trampled by frantic reindeer wannabes.
The best part about Christmas parties? The free food. The worst part? Having to talk to people.
What do you get if you cross Frosty with a vampire? Frostbite.
Tis the season to be jolly… because the alternative is getting on the naughty list.
Christmas rule #1: If anyone gives you socks, you are legally required to find a cozy spot and take a nap immediately.
Christmas is the time of year when you see your family and realize why you moved away in the first place.
Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber? It needed a trim.
I’m all about the presents, the cookies, and the napping… is there anything else to Christmas?
Who needs snow when you have a fridge full of leftovers? Let the feasting begin!
Christmas lights are great until you have to untangle them… then they suddenly become a holiday-themed death trap.
When Santa asks me if I’ve been naughty or nice, I just wink and say, ‘Define naughty.’
Christmas is all fun and games until someone puts carrots in your stocking instead of chocolate.
What do elves use to take notes in school? Elf-abet soup!
The best present I could receive this year is not gaining any holiday weight. Wish me luck!
I love Christmas shopping so much, I turn it into a personal sport. My motto: Swipe, swipe, swoosh!
Christmas: the only time of year when I understand the true meaning of ‘chocolate is a vegetable’.
Who needs mistletoe when you have pizza? It’s the ultimate holiday romance.
Christmas carols are the perfect cure for any bad mood, as long as you’re the one singing.
Deck the halls with boughs of holly, they said. It’ll be fun, they said. Now I’m covered in pine needles and my cat won’t stop sneezing.
What do you call a snowman with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman!
The best thing about Christmas is the week between Christmas and New Year’s, when time doesn’t exist and you can eat cookies for breakfast.
I put all my Christmas presents in a pile… it’s all about perspective, right?
May your days be merry and bright, and may you never accidentally unwrap your neighbor’s gift.
What do you call a snowman with a sunburn? A puddle!
Christmas: the perfect time to express your love with hastily bought presents and awkward hugs.
Christmas calories don’t count if they are consumed while standing in front of the fridge.
What’s the difference between Santa and a knight? One slays with presents, the other presents with slays.
Instead of a traditional Christmas tree, I’m just putting a giant ‘skip to New Year’s’ sign in my living room.
May your eggnog be spiked and your laughter be contagious this Christmas.
Remember, Christmas isn’t about how big the tree is, it’s about how many presents you can fit under it.
Why did Santa go to music school? To improve his wrapping skills.
All I want for Christmas is a nap, but all I’m getting is socks. I guess it’s the thought that counts.
Christmas is the perfect time to catch up on all those movies you’ve been meaning to watch, while pretending it’s a marathon day of ‘festive research’.
Eat, sleep, and be merry — for tomorrow we diet!
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