Messed up sayings

Life is like a box of puzzle pieces – sometimes you just can’t find the right fit.

If life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade – throw them back and demand a refund.

Don’t cry over spilled milk, but do cry if it’s chocolate milk.

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they can make for a good story.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, unless the bird poops on your hand.

Don’t count your chickens before they hatch, especially if you’re allergic to feathers.

When life gives you rocks, build a fortress and throw them back.

When the going gets tough, the tough eat ice cream straight from the tub.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but it won’t save you from falling down a pothole.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Don’t judge a book by its cover, but feel free to judge a movie by its trailer.

When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Don’t put all your eggs in one basket, especially if you’re traveling on a bumpy road.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy a lot of ice cream, and that’s pretty close.

If life gives you onions, make a salsa and cry while dancing.

You can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs, but you can make scrambled eggs without breaking yolks.

Laughter is the best medicine, unless you’re allergic to joking.

Messed up sayings part 2

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken GPS.

When life gives you hurdles, pretend it’s a giant obstacle course and have fun jumping.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless it’s AstroTurf.

When opportunity knocks, don’t answer the door – ask for it to send a text instead.

Don’t sweat the small stuff, but do sweat when you’re running a marathon.

When life gives you a rollercoaster, scream and enjoy the ride.

A watched pot never boils, but at least you’ll never miss the perfect moment to add the pasta.

If life gives you bouncy balls, make a juggling act and entertain your coworkers.

Don’t put all your shoes in one closet, unless it’s a really big closet, then go for it.

The early bird gets the worm, but the late bird gets a few extra minutes of sleep.

Where there’s smoke, there’s a really confused fire alarm.

Don’t judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree – and don’t judge a cat by its lack of water skills.

If life gives you broken crayons, create abstract art and call it existentialism.

When in doubt, just add sprinkles – they make everything better.

Don’t cry over spilled coffee, unless it’s the last cup in the office.

Misery loves company, but happiness tends to attract pizza parties.

The pen is mightier than the sword, unless you’re in a sword fighting tournament – then go for the sword.

When life gives you clouds, find the silver lining and pretend you’re in a fairytale.

Don’t put all your hopes and dreams in a fortune cookie – trust your own decision-making skills.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but a well-timed emoji can make a million people laugh.

If life gives you a keyboard, type your frustrations away and accidentally start a revolution.

The early bird catches the worm, but the late bird gets an extra hour of sleep on Sundays.

When life gives you rain, jump in puddles and pretend you’re a superhero.

Don’t try to fit a square peg into a round hole, unless you’re a master at Tetris.

Don’t cry over spilled milk, unless you were about to make a milkshake.

When in doubt, dance it out – it confuses the universe and makes people laugh.

Don’t put all your eggs in one basket, but do put all your chocolate in one drawer.

If life hands you lemons, make lemonade – and then spike it with some tequila.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese and an extended nap time.

When life gives you obstacles, turn them into stepping stones and build a bridge to success.

Don’t sweat the small stuff, but do sweat if you forgot to put on deodorant.

If life hands you spaghetti, eat it with enthusiasm and send a message to your inner Italian.