Phyllis Dillar: Most Inspiring and Humorous Quotes

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shovelling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

The reason women don’t play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.

If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.

I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.

By the time I got home, I had no idea where I’d been.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Phyllis Dillar: Most Inspiring and Humorous Quotes part 2

I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Three hours ago it was grass.’

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age ? as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

The real reason women live longer than men because they don?t have to live with women.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shovelling the walk before it stops snowing.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don’t know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does.

The best way to get rid of guests who have overstayed their welcome: Take off your clothes. Works every time.

?I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.?

?My photographs don?t do me justice – they just look like me.?

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.

I don’t have an act. I just do Phyllis Diller.

I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.

It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shovelling the walk before it stops snowing.

The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

I’ve got flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.