Random Funny Quotes

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Common sense is like deodorant, the people who need it most never use it.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

I don’t need anger management, I need people to stop pissing me off.

I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

I’m not clumsy, it’s just the floor hates me and the walls get in my way.

I’m not saying I’m Batman, I’m just saying no one has ever seen me and Batman in the same room together.

If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Mosquitos are like family. Annoying but they carry your blood.

I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Sorry, I’m late. I didn’t want to come.

I put my phone on airplane mode, but it’s not flying. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they are flashing behind you.

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me lazy, I’d probably hire someone to pick up the money for me.

Random Funny Quotes part 2

I was born to be wild, but only until around 9 PM or so.

I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me…as their designated driver.

I’m not fat. I’m just so sexy that it overflows.

I wish falling in love had traffic lights so that I would know if I should go for it, slow down, or just stop.

I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

Some people need a high-five. In the face. With a chair.

I’m not a clumsy person, it’s just the universe testing my agility.

I don’t need a personal trainer, just someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hand.

My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch… I call it lunch.

I don’t sweat, I sparkle.

I put the ‘pro’ in procrastination.

Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

I’m not old, I’m a recycled teenager.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Life is too short to be taken seriously. Laugh at yourself, or I’ll do it for you.

Procrastination is my superpower. I can do it tomorrow.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Some mistakes are too fun to only make once.

I’m not clumsy, I’m just auditioning for a role in a slapstick comedy.

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I don’t need an alarm clock, my kids jump on my bed to wake me up.

Dieting is easy. You’re just one donut away from a better mood.

I’m not addicted to chocolate. We’re just in a committed relationship.

I don’t snore. I dream I’m a motorcycle.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Who needs a therapist when you have a dog who listens without judgment?