Emo Philips Quotes – Insightful and Hilarious Words from the Master of Comedy
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals, I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I’m trying to cut back on my drinking, so now I only drink on days that end in ‘y’.
I used to have an open mind, but my brain kept falling out.
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I don’t need a parachute to skydive. I just need a parachute to skydive twice.
I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
I’m such an insomniac. I can’t sleep because I fear that there is a creature under my bed called Sleep.
I’m not a hypochondriac, but I play one in real life.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
I was the kid that always traded my lunch money for magic beans. Now, I don’t have lunch money, but I have a beanstalk in my backyard.
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day when I accidentally put my socks on in my shoes.
I’m not a pessimist. I’m just a well-informed optimist.
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right, I feel ten years older already.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
I’m so broke, I can’t even afford to pay attention.
Emo Philips Quotes – Insightful and Hilarious Words from the Master of Comedy part 2
I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
My wife asked me if I thought she was vain. I said no, I think she’s in denial.
My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house. I told her, ‘Fear of a paperless invasion.’
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.
I told my wife she should look for the silver lining. She said, ‘I did, but it’s on backorder.’
I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.
They say love is like a flower. I think it’s more like a cactus – prickly, stubborn, and it hurts if you’re not careful.
I used to be an introvert, but I’m more of an extrovert now. I’m just not very good at it.
I told my therapist I had suicidal thoughts, and she told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.
I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet!
I’m not saying I hate people, but I definitely love dogs more.
I have a new theory on inertia but I’m not moving forward with it.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.
I once dated a weather girl, but we broke up because she kept predicting a lot of mist.
I bought my wife a mood ring and found out she’s always in a bad mood.
I dream of being a millionaire, just like my ancestors.
I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done, now I just need to fill in the rest.
I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, just to be sure.
I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.
I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. And then it hit me.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I’m starting a new dating service for elderly people called ‘Carbon Dating.’
I don’t have a fear of heights, I have a fear of falling from heights.
I’m not a pessimist, but my blood type is B Negative.
I’m not a hypochondriac, but I constantly worry that I have hypochondria.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
I recently got into yoga. I had to get a mat, but I couldn’t find one big enough for all my issues.
I’m not saying I’m a bad cook, but my smoke alarm goes off whenever I attempt to boil water.
I’m not a procrastinator. I just prefer to do things in a different space-time continuum.
I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.