Funniest quotes ever

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

The problem isn’t that I have too much fun, it’s that I’m always the one left cleaning up the confetti.

I accidentally joined a marathon once. I came in last place and won the ‘unofficial clown award.’

I asked the gym if they had any exercise classes for procrastinators. They said, ‘Sure, but you have to sign up next week.’

My dentist told me I need a crown. I said, ‘I know, right? I’ve always wanted to be a princess.’

I went to a restaurant that served ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

My teacher said I was a ‘disruptive influence’. I think she meant I was the life of the party.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

I accidentally locked myself out of my house. So I knocked on the front door to see if anyone was home.

I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there clapping for no reason.

My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it lunch.

I wanted to lose weight, but it just kept finding me.

I asked my computer if it could sing me a song. It said, ‘If I started singing, you’d want me to stop.’

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.

Funniest quotes ever part 2

I asked the librarian if they had any books about paranoia. She whispered, ‘They’re right behind you.’

I called the local gym and asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. They replied, ‘How flexible are you?’ I said, ‘I can’t make it on Tuesdays.’

I bought a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts’. On the one hand, it’s great. On the other hand, it’s just not right.

I once tried to make a candlestick, but I couldn’t find any wicks. So I set the whole thing on fire and called it a ‘melted masterpiece’.

My friend asked me if I had any spare change. I replied, ‘Sorry, I only carry dimes. The rest are all cents-less.’

I asked the waiter if the restaurant had Wi-Fi. He said, ‘Yes, but it’s probably quicker to use utensils.’

I told my friend not to play hide-and-seek with mountains. They always peak.

I had a dream that I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.

My doctor said I need to start drinking more water. So I went out and bought a bottle of crystal clear Pepsi.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she had been with. She said, ‘Yes, all the others were nines or tens.’

I’m not saying I’m Superman. All I’m saying is that no one’s ever seen me and Superman in the same room together.

I tried to make a belt out of watches, but it was a total waist of time.

I asked the librarian if she had any books on paranoia. She whispered, ‘They’re right behind you.’

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

I’m pretty sure my neighbors can hear my music, but I refuse to turn it down. Mainly because they’re really bad dancers.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

I asked my dog if it had any new year’s resolutions. It just stared at me, so I said, ‘Fine, don’t make any. Be a quitter.’

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

I went to a seafood disco last week. I pulled a mussel.

I wish people would stop asking me if I’m ticklish. My tickle response is none of their business.

Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.

I told my wife we should go out and try some new restaurants. She said, ‘Okay, but which one should we eat first?’

I asked my dad if I was adopted. He said, ‘Not yet, but we’re keeping our options open.’

I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.

My wife told me to stop playing with my food. So I asked her to pass me the peas, but she said, ‘No, concentrate on your mashed potatoes.’

Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

I always knock on the fridge before opening it. Just in case there’s a salad dressing.

Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.

I asked the genie for a smartwatch. He gave me a calculator.