Hilarious Quotes – Laughter Guaranteed!

I’m not clumsy, I’m just testing gravity…it still works!

I am the queen of multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop ticking me off!

I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.

My room isn’t messy, it’s an obstacle course designed to keep me fit.

The only exercise I get is running my mouth.

My superpower? I can make any recipe look like a Pinterest fail.

Some days I amaze myself. Other days, I can’t find my car keys.

Life isn’t perfect, but my lashes are!

I’m not short, I’m concentrated awesomeness.

Dear Karma, I have a list of people you missed.

If I had a dollar for every time my brain went on vacation, I’d be a billionaire!

I always carry a knife in my pocket. You know, just in case cake happens.

I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

I’m not bossy, I just have better ideas.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

I’m not slow, I’m on the prompt side of life.

I tried being normal once. Worst two minutes of my life!

I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.

I’m on a vodka diet. So far, I’ve lost two days.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Hilarious Quotes – Laughter Guaranteed! part 2

I’m not paranoid, but I am constantly amazed by how much time I spend trying to avoid the things I saw in movies.

My love for you is like a fart – it can’t be contained.

Never trust a man who doesn’t like cats or finds fart jokes unfunny.

My phone autocorrects ‘LOL’ to ‘LOLZ’ because I laugh louder than you.

The biggest lie I tell myself is ‘I don’t need to write that down. I’ll remember it.’

I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the volume of my awesomeness.

If I was meant to be controlled, I would have come with a remote.

I’m not a photographer, but I can definitely picture us together.

I’m not addicted to coffee. We’re just in a committed relationship.

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘chocolate’…I’ll turn around.

I don’t need a hairstylist, my hair is always messy on its own.

I don’t need a personal assistant, I need a clone.

I’m not clumsy, I’m just allergic to gravity.

I’m not stubborn, I’m just always right.

I can’t adult today. Please don’t make me adult.

Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes, I need expert advice.

I’m not aging, I’m just increasing in value.

I’m not late. I just wanted to make my dramatic entrance.

I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy saving mode.

I’m not a doctor, but I can definitely make you feel better with my jokes.

I’m not always sarcastic…just kidding, I am.

I don’t need a personal trainer, my metabolism is on vacation.

I’m not pessimistic, I’m just a pro at spotting disappointment.

I don’t need a gym. My stress level counts as cardio.