Quotes

I don't always procrastinate, but when I do, I'm amazing at it!

The key to success? Take a break and eat a donut!

Coffee: because adulting is hard

I work well under pressure. As long as the pressure is applying for a job at a beach resort!

Work like nobody's watching... because they're not, they're all on social media! Read More

Don't be afraid to dance like nobody's watching, even if you have two left feet.

It's okay to be a daydreamer, as long as you remember to occasionally come back to reality.

Embrace your inner weirdo and let your quirks shine brightly.

Life is too short to take everything seriously, so laugh often and laugh loud.

Success i...
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I exercise because I love the feeling of making my muscles cry and my heart scream 'What have you done?'

I swear my body tries to exercise its right to remain stationary.

Yoga? More like bowelga, because my downward dog always ends in an upward mess.

I don't jog, I run late.

Exercise is my favorite excuse to wear spandex ...
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Love is in the air, but so is my sense of humor.

Valentine's Day may be overrated, but my ability to make you laugh is not.

Roses are red, violets are blue, without you, my life would be a joke too.

Love might be blind, but laughter will always find its way in.

Finding someone who can make you laugh is the greatest Valent...
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I find motivation in knowing that my alarm clock can't beat me.

Work hard so you can buy all the coffee and donuts your heart desires.

Procrastination is my cardio...and also the reason I drink so much coffee.

I don't always love my job, but I always love payday.

Remember, the early bird gets the worm...but the second mou...
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Roses are red, violets are blue, Valentine's Day is sweet, just like you!

Love is like a box of chocolates, sometimes you just want to bite into every piece!

My love for you is like a Friday night, endless and filled with laughter!

Valentine's Day is just a reminder that I need to buy more chocolate for myself!

Love is bl...
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The only way to do great work is to love what you do. And if you can't love it, learn to tolerate it at least!

Work hard in silence and let your success make all the noise, just make sure it doesn't sound like a lawnmower.

Success is not the key to happiness. Finding a job with free snacks in the kitchen, that's the key to happiness!...
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I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. - Michael Scott

Sometimes I'll start a sentence and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way. - Michael Scott

I'm not a hero. I'm a high-functioning weirdo. - Jim Halpert

I talk a lot, so I've learned to just tune myself out. - Kelly Kapoor

...
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I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode.

I don't need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

I'm not clumsy, it's just the floor hates me.

Life is like a camera, focus on the good times, develop from the negatives.

I'm not addicted to coffee, we're just in a committed relationship.

Don...
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I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes - she hugged me.

I don't need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

My train of thought often leaves the station without me.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Some people ju...
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Life is too short to take anything seriously, except for pizza toppings.

Life is like a box of chocolates, but I always seem to get the one with the weird filling.

If life gives you lemons, just add vodka and have a party!

Life is not a fairy tale, unless you can find a prince who knows how to fix plumbing.

Life is like a...
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I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes...she gave me a hug.

Common sense is like deodorant – the people who need it most never use it.

You know you're getting old when you bend down to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

If at first, you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for y...
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I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book. - Groucho Marx

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets. - Al McGuire

I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches. - Alice Roosevelt Longworth

I am so ...
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I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.

I talk a lot, so I’ve learned to just tune myself out.

I’m not lazy. I’m just conserving energy.

I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.

I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

I pretend to work until the Frid...
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I only drink on two occasions: when I'm thirsty and when I'm not.

Three drinks a day keeps the doctor away... well, at least the ones you don't want to see.

I don't need a therapist, I just need a bottle of wine.

Alcohol: because no great story ever started with someone eating a salad.

I workout so I can drink more wine. ...
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I like my coffee like I like my mornings - dark and strong!

Coffee: because adulting is hard!

Behind every successful person is a substantial amount of coffee.

Coffee doesn't ask silly questions, coffee understands.

Decaf? No thanks, I prefer my coffee to have a personality.

Coffee is my love language.

I can't...
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I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes... She hugged me.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Why be moody when you can shake your booty?

If at first, you don't succeed, then skydiving is defi...
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Laughter is the best medicine, but I didn't go to medical school.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes - she hugged me.

I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough.

I asked the libra...
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Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you? And well you should not.

Do or do not. There is no try.

Pass on what you have learned. Strength, mastery, hmm... but weakness, folly, failure also. Yes, failure most of all. The greatest teacher, failure is.

Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hat...
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I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy saving mode.

I'm not clumsy, I'm just on a secret mission to test gravity.

I don't need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

I'm not addicted to coffee. We're just in a committed relationship.

I'm not a chef, I ju...
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