Quotes

A successful relationship is just two imperfect people refusing to give up on each other.

A relationship should be built on love, laughter, and a little bit of sarcasm.

Marriage: the only war where you sleep with the enemy and steal the covers.

If a man says he will fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every six mont...
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I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. - Michael Scott

Sometimes I'll start a sentence and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way. - Michael Scott

I'm not saying I'm Superman, but have you ever seen us in the same room together? - Dwight Schrute

I am Beyoncé, always. - Michael Scott...
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My job is so funny, I laugh all the way to the office!

Work is so funny, I could write a stand-up routine about it.

They say laughter is the best medicine, so I guess my job is a full-time doctor!

My job is like a circus act, with me juggling tasks and dodging office politics.

Work might be serious, but I choose to find t...
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Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy a yacht big enough to sail right up to it.

I asked my bank if they could perform a comedy routine, but they said their business model doesn't allow for many laughs.

I don't mind spending money, as long as it's someone else's.

Money talks, but mine just says goodbye.

The best thing...
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I asked the librarian if she had a book on paranoia, she leaned in close and whispered, 'They're right behind you.'

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

I wouldn't say I'm a morning person, but I'm definitely not a mourning...
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Marriage is like a deck of cards – you need a heart to love, a diamond to marry, a club to smack if they misbehave, and a spade to bury the body.

Wedding vows: the ultimate test of your memory and your ability to lie with a straight face.

The secret to a successful marriage? Just remember that you're always right, and they're just ...
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Love is grand, but chocolate is even sweeter!

I'm single and ready to mingle this Valentine's Day!

They say love is blind, but my dating history suggests otherwise.

I'm allergic to cheesy Valentine's Day gestures; get me pizza instead!

My true love this Valentine's Day? Netflix and my favorite pajamas.

Roses are red...
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New Year's resolutions are just like babies: fun to make but extremely difficult to maintain.

My New Year's resolution is to be less awesome since I can't handle all the attention.

May all your troubles last as long as your resolutions!

My New Year's resolution is to stop pretending that I haven't been eating directly from the ...
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Who needs a Christmas tree when you can just decorate a pile of laundry?

Christmas cheer: the only time of year when it's socially acceptable to wear an ugly sweater.

Dear Santa, define 'nice'.

The best way to spread Christmas cheer is to sing loud for all to hear... or give everyone a pair of noise-canceling headphones.

...
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I'm dreaming of a beach vacation, where the only worry is how many shades of suntan lotion to bring.

Holidays are like diets—there's always tomorrow to start again.

My holiday plans? Eat, sleep, swim, repeat.

Vacation calories don't count...until they show up on the scale.

The only exercise I'll be doing on vacation is ...
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Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we diet!

The only workout I'll be doing this holiday is lifting a glass of eggnog.

Holiday calories don't count... right?

My favorite part of the holidays? The food coma afterwards.

Santa knows if you've been naughty or nice, but he doesn't judge if you've been eating too much pie. Read More

I'm so scared of Halloween, I'm dressing up as a normal person.

Halloween is the one night a year when people actually wear what's on the inside.

I'm not a regular witch, I'm a cool witch.

Witches be like 'Can you brew me some coffee?'

I'm just here for the boos.

If you've got it, haunt it!

My favorite witch i...
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One Christmas I got a sweater from my grandma that I wanted to re-gift. It's still making its way around my family, eight years later!

Why did Santa go to music school? Because he wanted to improve his wrapping skills.

I asked Santa for a new bike for Christmas, but I guess he thought I said 'briefcase' because all I got was a suit!<...
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I may not be able to lift heavy weights, but I can lift your spirits with my hilarious gym stories!

Gym time: the only place where 'I can't' becomes 'I can't even.'

I don't always do cardio, but when I do, I check the time every five minutes.

Dear treadmill, it's not me, it's you. Sincerely, every gym-goer.

My trainer tol...
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El éxito no es la clave de la felicidad, la felicidad es la clave del éxito. - Albert Schweitzer

La vida es demasiado corta para desperdiciarla en preocupaciones. Enfócate en lo que te hace feliz.

La alegría de vivir está en disfrutar de los pequeños momentos y apreciar las cosas simples de la vida.

La actitud positiva es...
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Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. - Elbert Hubbard

The only way to do great work is to love what you do. - Steve Jobs

Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful. - Albert Schweitzer

Life is like riding a bicycle. ...
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Life is too short to be taken seriously, so laugh and enjoy the ride!

Don't cry because it's over, laugh because you finally finished that awful task!

Success is 10% inspiration, 90% not getting distracted by memes.

The best way to predict the future is to create it... while laughing.

You can't control everything in life,...
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I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have. - Thomas Jefferson

Work hard, nap harder.

If you think you're too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.

Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out. - Robert Collier

The elevator to success is out of order. You'll have to...
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I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.

I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy saving mode.

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain.

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

I'm not arguing, I'm simply explaining why I'm right.

I...
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High school: where weirdness is celebrated and normalcy is frowned upon.

High school is like a zoo, and we're all the monkeys swinging from one class to another.

High school is the only place where it's acceptable to run with scissors (to catch up to friends in the hallway).

If high school was easy, they would call it middle sc...
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