Best Funny Quotes

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes…she gave me a hug.

Common sense is like deodorant – the people who need it most never use it.

You know you’re getting old when you bend down to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.

I don’t need a hairstylist; my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

I’m not clumsy, I’m just skilled at rearranging the furniture with my toes.

I tried to diet, but I realized nachos and cheese were just too grate together.

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

I’m not saying I’m Batman, but have you ever seen me and Batman in the same room?

I don’t need a hairstylist; my hair just prefers to be creatively messy.

I’m not lazy; I’m just on energy-saving mode.

Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

I don’t need a psychiatrist; I have a cat that listens and doesn’t judge.

My neighbors listen to great music, whether they like it or not.

I’m not crazy; my reality is just different from yours.

The trouble with trouble is it starts as fun.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Best Funny Quotes part 2

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.

I don’t need anger management; I need people to stop pissing me off.

The best way to predict the future is to create it…or wait for the wifi to work.

The secret to a happy marriage is a sense of humor and a short memory.

I’m not addicted to chocolate; we’re just in a committed relationship.

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘chocolate,’ and I’ll turn around.

I’m not clumsy, the floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.

I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

I told my wife I wanted another pack of gum; she said to check my pants.

I drink coffee for your protection.

I’m not high maintenance; I’m low effort high need.

I don’t need a personal assistant; I need a personal chef and a personal masseuse.

I may be a genius, but behind every genius is someone reminding them to put pants on.

Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair.

I don’t snore; I dream I’m a motorcycle.

Life is too short to remove USB safely.

I’m not a procrastinator; I just prefer last-minute living.

I can resist anything, except temptation…and chocolate.

I have a degree in karate, psychology, and origami: I can kick your butt, figure you out, and then fold you into a swan.

I don’t need a personal trainer; my wallet does enough heavy lifting.

I’m not spoiled; I’m just well taken care of.

My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch; it’s called lunch.

I don’t snore; I dream I’m a tractor revving up for a big day at the farm.

If someone tells you to behave, just shout, ‘You’re not the boss of me!’

I’m not lazy; I’m just in energy-efficient mode.