Funniest Quotes of All Time

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure. – Unknown

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised. – Unknown

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you. – Steven Wright

I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection. – Drake

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey

I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. – Michael Scott

I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you. – Robin Williams

I don’t have a beer gut; I have a protective covering for my rock-hard abs. – Unknown

I’m terrible with names. It’s not my fault, though. My parents didn’t give me one. – Unknown

I don’t need an alarm clock. My ideas wake me. – Ray Bradbury

I hate when I’m singing a song and the artist gets the words wrong. – Unknown

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug. – Unknown

I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough. – Unknown

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments. – Unknown

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it. – Franklin P. Jones

I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. – Willy Wonka

Funniest Quotes of All Time part 2

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. – Cathy Guisewite

I thought I wanted a career. Turns out, all I wanted was a paycheck. – Unknown

I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die. – Mr. Garrison

If you find someone you love in your life, then hang on to that love. – Princess Diana

Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy chocolate, which is pretty much the same thing. – Unknown

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? – Abraham Lincoln

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth. – Mallory Hopkins

The best way to predict the future is to create it. – Abraham Lincoln

Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair. – Unknown

I’m not clumsy, I’m just gravity challenged. – Unknown

I don’t have a dirty mind, I have a sexy imagination. – Unknown

I’m sorry, did I roll my eyes out loud? – Unknown

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it. – Unknown

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. – Oscar Wilde

I’m not as think as you drunk I am. – Unknown

I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone. – Unknown

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets. – Al McGuire

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. – Groucho Marx

I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning. – Unknown

I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode. – Unknown

The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures. – Unknown

I don’t need a prince charming to have my own happily ever after. – Unknown

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I am slowly getting over it. – Unknown

I don’t need a hair salon, my hair keeps me in shape. It won’t let me go out looking disheveled. – Unknown

I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my very own font. – Unknown

I’m not lost, I’m exploring alternative routes. – Unknown

I’m not stubborn, my ideas just have a higher success rate than yours. – Unknown

I don’t need a personal trainer, my metabolism has its own workout plan. – Unknown

I’m not rude, I’m just brutally honest. It’s not my fault everyone else is sensitive. – Unknown