Funny Quotes – A Hilarious Collection to Brighten Your Day

I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy saving mode.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… She gave me a hug.

My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

Never trust a dog to guard your food, but never underestimate its ability to steal your heart.

I asked the librarian if she had any books about paranoia. She whispered, ‘They’re right behind you.’

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

What do you call a snowman with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman!

I’m not clumsy, I’m just on a mission to test gravity… repeatedly.

I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He replied, ‘How flexible are you?’ I said, ‘I can’t make it on Tuesdays.’

Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts!

I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.

My computer’s password is ‘incorrect.’ So whenever I forget, it tells me, ‘Your password is incorrect.’

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them!

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

Funny Quotes – A Hilarious Collection to Brighten Your Day part 2

I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

Laughing is the best exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.

I tried to lose weight, but it just kept finding me.

Life is too short to be taken seriously… So, laugh at yourself… you have plenty of material.

I may be crazy, but at least I provide entertainment.

My dentist told me that laughter is the best medicine. Then he charged me for the laughing gas.

I don’t need a prince charming. I need someone who can make me laugh until my stomach hurts.

If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Whoever said ‘nothing is impossible’ never tried to staple water to a tree.

I always carry a knife in case there’s cake.

I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.

Just because I can’t sing doesn’t mean I won’t sing.

Sometimes I pretend to be normal. Then it gets boring, so I go back to being me.

I’m not clumsy, I’m just auditioning for a part in a slapstick comedy.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!

I love talking to myself, it’s the only way to have an intelligent conversation around here.

I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it!

I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.

My parents told me I could be anything I wanted, so I became sarcastic.

I’ve finally realized that diet stands for ‘Did I eat that?’

I’m not addicted to coffee. We’re just in a committed relationship.

I’m not short-tempered; I just have a quick reaction to BS.

I love Fridays, especially when they come before Saturdays and Sundays!

I’m not clumsy, I’m just performing random acts of gravity.

I’m not lazy, I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.

I’m not a dentist, but I can still fill your cavities… with laughter!

I’ve learned that exercising patience is exhausting, so I just take naps instead.

I don’t mind going camping, as long as there’s wifi and room service.

I’m not a photographer, but I can picture us together.