Funny Quotes – Adding a Dose of Laughter to your Day

I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes – she hugged me.

I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

My train of thought often leaves the station without me.

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair.

I’m not clumsy, it’s just the floor hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.

If someone says ‘expect the unexpected’, slap them and say ‘You didn’t expect that, did you?’

I always carry a knife in my pocket in case there’s cheesecake or something.

If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is definitely not for you.

I’m sorry for what I said when I was hungry.

I’m not short, I’m fun-sized.

The only running I do is running out of money.

I’m not addicted to chocolate. We’re just in a committed relationship.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

I always keep a picture of my passport on my phone so I can pretend I’m exotic when I swipe right on Tinder.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of credit card payments.

The closest I’ve come to a diet is erasing food searches from my browser history.

Funny Quotes – Adding a Dose of Laughter to your Day part 2

I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.

I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.

I haven’t lost my mind; it’s backed up on a hard drive somewhere.

My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it ‘lunch.’

I owe my pet cat money because he’s been watching me borrow his toys for years.

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.

Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

I always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for cooking, but I usually forget why I’ve kept it.

I put the ‘pro’ in ‘procrastination’.

I’m not indecisive, I just never make up my mind.

Behind every successful person is a substantial amount of coffee.

I used to be a people person, but people ruined that for me.

I’m not crazy, my reality is just different from yours.

Remember when ‘old’ referred to people, and ‘cool’ referred to temperatures?

I like to think of myself as ‘vintage’, not old.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Life is too short to wear matching socks.

I’ve reached the age where my brain goes from ‘You probably shouldn’t say that’ to ‘What the heck, let’s see what happens’.

Don’t be afraid to take risks. Just make sure those risks don’t involve voodoo dolls or squirrels with chainsaws.

Normal is just an illusion. What’s normal for the spider is chaos for the fly.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

I don’t have a dirty mind. I have a sexy imagination.

I’m not clumsy, I’m just allergic to gravity.

I refuse to go an hour without coffee. It’s called ‘self-care.’

I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying. Worst transformer ever!