Funny Quotes to Brighten Up Your Happy Holidays

Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we diet!

The only workout I’ll be doing this holiday is lifting a glass of eggnog.

Holiday calories don’t count… right?

My favorite part of the holidays? The food coma afterwards.

Santa knows if you’ve been naughty or nice, but he doesn’t judge if you’ve been eating too much pie.

Dear Santa, this year please give me a big fat bank account and a slim body. And please don’t mix those up like you did last year.

May your holiday season be filled with laughter, love, and lots of calories.

I’m on a seafood diet this holiday season – I see food and I eat it!

Whoever said happiness comes in small packages has never received a large box of chocolates.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, but I’ll probably find them empty because Santa knows I ate all the treats.

Christmas dinner is the perfect time to say grace and take a few bites in between.

My holiday card is just going to say ‘Calories don’t count during the holidays’.

Holiday baking rule: If at first, you don’t succeed, order pizza.

If someone says you don’t need more sweets this holiday season, unfriend them. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.

They say time flies when you’re having fun, but it really flies when you’re eating cookies.

My New Year’s resolution is to spot the difference between a snowflake and powdered sugar on a cookie. Should be easy, right?

Funny Quotes to Brighten Up Your Happy Holidays part 2

Christmas: the only time of the year when it’s acceptable to be more interested in what’s under the tree than what’s on it.

May your holidays be as joyous as the moment you first realized Black Friday sales were extended to Cyber Monday.

Santa’s sleigh isn’t the only thing getting lit this holiday season.

Deck the halls with boughs of jolly – and don’t forget the jingle bells on your stretchy pants.

The best thing about holidays? Finding out which relatives you’ll be avoiding at the dinner table.

Did you hear about the dyslexic guy who tried to cook his Christmas turkey? He accidentally stuffed it with his cat.

What’s red and white and falls down the chimney? Santa after too much eggnog!

I tried counting sheep to fall asleep during the holidays, but they all turned into sugar plum fairies and started dancing.

Why does Santa always go down the chimney? Because it soots him!

Holiday shopping tip: Keep calm and pretend it’s on the list you left at home.

Don’t get your tinsel in a tangle – there’s plenty of eggnog to go around!

The awkward moment when Santa says ‘ho ho ho’ and your grandma says ‘ha ha ha’ because she got the joke.

May your holidays be filled with awkward family photos and fruitcakes you can re-gift next year.

Who needs mistletoe when you can kiss under the glow of holiday lights and a fridge full of leftovers?

The best gift during the holidays is the one that makes you forget how old you are.

My wish list this year? More parking spots near the mall entrances and fewer calories in holiday treats.

If you think I’m classy at dinner parties, you obviously haven’t seen me unwrap a present on Christmas morning.

Who needs a gym membership when you can just do the ‘fork lift’ to your mouth all season?

Forget about finding peace on Earth this holiday season, I just want to find the TV remote.

The best thing about the holiday season? It gives us an excuse to wear stretchy pants all day, every day.

Holiday tip: If you run out of wrapping paper, just wrap the gifts in that pile of clothes you’ve been meaning to do laundry with.

Christmas is the time to open our hearts and pop the corks on champagne bottles.

Dear Santa, I’ve been good most of the year. Okay, once. In January. But let’s not dwell on the details.

May your holiday season be filled with laughter, love, and excessive amounts of chocolates shaped like reindeer.

Christmas baking is the reason I have trust issues with my own scales.

Dear Santa, I can explain… everything!

Holidays are like cookies – they deserve to be indulged in, even if they crumble sometimes.

Christmas is too sparkly… said no one ever!

May your days be merry and bright, and may your holiday decorations outshine your neighbor’s inflatable snowman.