Funny Twitter Quotes – Hilarious Gems from the Twitterverse

I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.

My phone autocorrects ‘LOL’ to ‘LOL-itation’ and I can’t stop laughing.

I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke off.

Life is like Twitter, you never know what you’re gonna get in your feed.

I’m not a baker, but I can make hashtags disappear. #Presto!

Never trust a computer you can’t throw out the window.

Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, who the heck are you?

I accidentally clicked ‘unsubscribe’ on Netflix and now I have to rewatch all my favorite shows to show my loyalty.

I wish I loved exercise as much as I love couch and snacks.

I didn’t choose the hashtag life, the hashtag life chose me.

I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He replied, ‘How flexible are you?’ I said, ‘I can’t make it next Tuesday.’

The closest I’ve come to a diet is deleting food pictures from my phone.

If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?

I’d love to change the world, but they won’t give me the source code.

When nothing goes right, go left. Then realize GPS said to take a U-turn.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

I put the ‘pro’ in procrastination.

I’m not clumsy, I’m just gravity’s biggest fan.

Funny Twitter Quotes – Hilarious Gems from the Twitterverse part 2

I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

I finally found our lost Netflix password. It was hiding in my ‘passwords to try again’ folder.

I’m so glad I learned cursive in school. Now I can sign my unemployment forms in an elegant way.

If life gives you lemons, just add vodka and have a party.

I can’t adult today, please don’t make me.

I entered the ‘World’s Most Humble’ competition, but they said I couldn’t declare myself the winner.

My bed and I have a special connection, we just click.

I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

I’m not short, I’m concentrated awesome.

I’m not lazy, I’m on standby mode for greatness.

I asked for a gym membership for Christmas. I got a chocolate bar shaped like dumbbells.

I could live without social media, but then who would like my selfies?

I’ve lost so much weight, I’m considering setting a new goal weight of my high school graduation year.

If you can’t remember my name, just call me ‘Hashtag’, I’ll probably respond.

I don’t need a personal trainer, my anxiety keeps me in shape.

I have a love-hate relationship with meetings. I love canceling them.

Life is too short to remove USB safely.

I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.

I’m not addicted to coffee, we’re just in a committed relationship.

My four favorite words: ‘I told you so.’

I try to lose weight, but it always finds me again.

I don’t need a hairstylist, I have my own wind machine. It’s called a car window.

My childhood punishments have become my adult goals.

I wish my wallet came with free refills.

I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose my cat.

I hate when life throws me lemons. I prefer chocolate.

Don’t follow your dreams, follow me on Twitter instead. It’s way more entertaining.