Christmas is the time when my bank account looks like I'm rich, but my fridge looks like I'm poor.
Christmas is the time when my bank account looks like I’m rich, but my fridge looks like I’m poor.
Christmas cheer? I thought you said Christmas beer!
The best present anyone can get on Christmas is a family member saying, ‘You know what? We don’t need to do presents this year.’
Santa saw your Instagram pictures, and he’s still deciding between ‘naughty’ and ‘nice’.
Christmas calories don’t count, right? It’s like a holiday cheat code.
The joy of Christmas: pretending to like socks since forever.
Christmas shopping is just like that one level in a video game where I have to collect all the items in a limited amount of time. And fail miserably.
Who needs a chimney when you can just use Amazon Prime?
Christmas tree farm? More like a pine needle death trap.
Santa Claus is proof that even the jolliest of old men can have a serious cookie addiction.
The only Christmas lights I want to see are the ones on my credit card notifications.
My perfect Christmas present would be a ticket to the North Pole. Santa, are you listening?
Christmas sweaters are like pumpkin spice lattes for your wardrobe – ridiculously cozy and impossible to resist.
Christmas gifts: the perfect excuse to give people things they didn’t know they needed.
If at first, you don’t succeed in wrapping presents, just roll them in glitter and call it a day.
Christmas tip: if you buy presents for yourself, you never have to worry about returning them.
The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loudly off-key for all to hear.
This Christmas, let’s switch calorie counting with carol singing. It’s all about balance, right?
Christmas morning: the one day of the year where it’s perfectly acceptable to eat cookies for breakfast.
Christmas lights: the only time of year when it’s completely normal to have a disco party on your roof.
My favorite Christmas tradition? Pretending to believe in Santa so I can stay on the ‘nice’ list.
Santa, please define ‘naughty.’ Asking for a friend, obviously.
Christmas movies are the only films where it’s socially acceptable to eat an entire tub of popcorn by yourself.
Christmas shopping online is my favorite cardio workout. My wallet gets a good sweat too.
If three Wise Men brought gifts to Jesus, then why can’t I ask for three gifts from Santa as well?
Instead of calling it ‘Secret Santa,’ we should call it ‘Surprising Unwanted Gifts Exchange.’
Christmas is like a snowflake – each one is unique, but they still make a huge mess on your doorstep.
My cooking skills during Christmas: burnt offerings with a side of smoke alarm symphony.
The Christmas season is like a marathon. A marathon of eating, that is.
Christmas is a reminder that even Santa has a boss – his wife.
How to deal with awkward family conversations during Christmas: load up on extra gravy to drown out the noise.
I don’t need mistletoe to have a kissable face – I’ve got chocolate smeared all over it.
Instead of Santa’s naughty or nice list, let’s have a ‘did you wear a holiday onesie’ list.
Christmas is the perfect time to burn calories. I hear wrapping presents at a frantic pace does the trick.
May your gifts be as awkward as your dancing skills at the office Christmas party.
Snowball fights: where survival skills meet childhood nostalgia.
Christmas is the only time of year where people willingly wear ugly sweaters and call it festive fashion.
Feel like a kid again this Christmas by eating your weight in cookies and blaming it on the holiday spirit.
Elf on the Shelf? More like ‘Spy in the House’…I see you, Santa’s little snitch!
Christmas is the season for miracles, like finding a parking spot at the mall.
Don’t be a Scrooge – put on your Christmas socks and get ready to be jolly.
Christmas decorations: the ultimate test of your relationship with untangling lights and arguing over where to hang the mistletoe.
Dear Santa, define ‘nice.’ Can a little sarcasm in a person be considered nice?
Christmas cards: the only time of year when I still believe in the power of snail mail.
The best way to spread Christmas glitter is by opening a card inside your car. Trust me, it never leaves.
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