Short and Hilarious – Funny Quotes to Make You Laugh

I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.

I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy saving mode.

Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.

I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

I’m not arguing, I’m simply explaining why I’m right.

I may be a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

If there’s a will, there are five hundred relatives.

Sorry for the mean, awful, accurate things I said.

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

I’m not clumsy, it’s just the floor hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.

Don’t follow my footsteps; I run into walls.

If I won the award for laziness, I would probably send someone to pick it up for me.

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

I’m not lazy, I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.

The secret to happiness is a bad memory.

I find it ironic that the colors blue, purple, and orange don’t rhyme with anything.

I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.

I’m not short, I’m concentrated fun-sized.

Short and Hilarious – Funny Quotes to Make You Laugh part 2

I haven’t lost my mind, it’s backed up on a hard drive somewhere.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

If I were meant to be controlled, I would have come with a remote.

Friday is my second favorite F-word.

I’m not weird, I’m a limited edition.

If there’s a problem, it’s because math isn’t your addiction.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Common sense is like deodorant, the people who need it most never use it.

Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.

My doctor told me I need to start drinking more wine. Also, I’m calling myself my own doctor now.

I’m not clumsy, it’s just that the floor hates me and tables and chairs attack me.

I’m not procrastinating, I’m thinking creatively.

I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

Normal is just an illusion. What’s normal for the spider is chaos for the fly.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I don’t need a hairstylist, I just need a taller friend.

My doctor told me that I’m lacking vitamin U. Be my supplement?

Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.

I need a six-month vacation, twice a year.

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

I’m not indecisive. I just haven’t made up my mind yet.

Marriage is like a workshop. Husband works and wife shops.

Nobody is perfect. I am nobody.

I’m not lazy, I’m just very relaxed.