I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes... She hugged me.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
Why be moody when you can shake your booty?
If at first, you don't succeed, then skydiving is defi... Read More
Laughter is the best medicine, but I didn't go to medical school.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes - she hugged me.
I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough.
I asked the libra... Read More
Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you? And well you should not.
Do or do not. There is no try.
Pass on what you have learned. Strength, mastery, hmm... but weakness, folly, failure also. Yes, failure most of all. The greatest teacher, failure is.
Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hat... Read More
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy saving mode.
I'm not clumsy, I'm just on a secret mission to test gravity.
I don't need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
I'm not addicted to coffee. We're just in a committed relationship.
I'm not a chef, I ju... Read More
A successful relationship is just two imperfect people refusing to give up on each other.
A relationship should be built on love, laughter, and a little bit of sarcasm.
Marriage: the only war where you sleep with the enemy and steal the covers.
If a man says he will fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every six mont... Read More
I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. - Michael Scott
Sometimes I'll start a sentence and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way. - Michael Scott
I'm not saying I'm Superman, but have you ever seen us in the same room together? - Dwight Schrute
I am Beyoncé, always. - Michael Scott... Read More
My job is so funny, I laugh all the way to the office!
Work is so funny, I could write a stand-up routine about it.
They say laughter is the best medicine, so I guess my job is a full-time doctor!
My job is like a circus act, with me juggling tasks and dodging office politics.
Work might be serious, but I choose to find t... Read More
Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy a yacht big enough to sail right up to it.
I asked my bank if they could perform a comedy routine, but they said their business model doesn't allow for many laughs.
I don't mind spending money, as long as it's someone else's.
Money talks, but mine just says goodbye.
The best thing... Read More
I asked the librarian if she had a book on paranoia, she leaned in close and whispered, 'They're right behind you.'
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
I wouldn't say I'm a morning person, but I'm definitely not a mourning... Read More
Marriage is like a deck of cards – you need a heart to love, a diamond to marry, a club to smack if they misbehave, and a spade to bury the body.
Wedding vows: the ultimate test of your memory and your ability to lie with a straight face.
The secret to a successful marriage? Just remember that you're always right, and they're just ... Read More
Love is grand, but chocolate is even sweeter!
I'm single and ready to mingle this Valentine's Day!
They say love is blind, but my dating history suggests otherwise.
I'm allergic to cheesy Valentine's Day gestures; get me pizza instead!
My true love this Valentine's Day? Netflix and my favorite pajamas.
Roses are red... Read More
New Year's resolutions are just like babies: fun to make but extremely difficult to maintain.
My New Year's resolution is to be less awesome since I can't handle all the attention.
May all your troubles last as long as your resolutions!
My New Year's resolution is to stop pretending that I haven't been eating directly from the ... Read More
Who needs a Christmas tree when you can just decorate a pile of laundry?
Christmas cheer: the only time of year when it's socially acceptable to wear an ugly sweater.
Dear Santa, define 'nice'.
The best way to spread Christmas cheer is to sing loud for all to hear... or give everyone a pair of noise-canceling headphones.
... Read More
I'm dreaming of a beach vacation, where the only worry is how many shades of suntan lotion to bring.
Holidays are like diets—there's always tomorrow to start again.
My holiday plans? Eat, sleep, swim, repeat.
Vacation calories don't count...until they show up on the scale.
The only exercise I'll be doing on vacation is ... Read More
Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we diet!
The only workout I'll be doing this holiday is lifting a glass of eggnog.
Holiday calories don't count... right?
My favorite part of the holidays? The food coma afterwards.
Santa knows if you've been naughty or nice, but he doesn't judge if you've been eating too much pie. Read More
I'm so scared of Halloween, I'm dressing up as a normal person.
Halloween is the one night a year when people actually wear what's on the inside.
I'm not a regular witch, I'm a cool witch.
Witches be like 'Can you brew me some coffee?'
I'm just here for the boos.
If you've got it, haunt it!
My favorite witch i... Read More
One Christmas I got a sweater from my grandma that I wanted to re-gift. It's still making its way around my family, eight years later!
Why did Santa go to music school? Because he wanted to improve his wrapping skills.
I asked Santa for a new bike for Christmas, but I guess he thought I said 'briefcase' because all I got was a suit!<... Read More
I may not be able to lift heavy weights, but I can lift your spirits with my hilarious gym stories!
Gym time: the only place where 'I can't' becomes 'I can't even.'
I don't always do cardio, but when I do, I check the time every five minutes.
Dear treadmill, it's not me, it's you. Sincerely, every gym-goer.
My trainer tol... Read More
El éxito no es la clave de la felicidad, la felicidad es la clave del éxito. - Albert Schweitzer
La vida es demasiado corta para desperdiciarla en preocupaciones. Enfócate en lo que te hace feliz.
La alegría de vivir está en disfrutar de los pequeños momentos y apreciar las cosas simples de la vida.
La actitud positiva es... Read More
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. - Elbert Hubbard
The only way to do great work is to love what you do. - Steve Jobs
Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful. - Albert Schweitzer
Life is like riding a bicycle. ... Read More
Workers of the world, unite! The history of all hitherto existing societies is the history of class struggles. The bourgeoisie
Read MoreSuccess is not determined by how many times you fall, but by how many times you get back up. Never
Read MoreHungary is home to the largest thermal water cave system in the world. The Rubik’s Cube was invented by Hungarian
Read MoreFireworks are the sparks of joy in the night sky. As the fireworks explode, so does my excitement. Fireworks are
Read MoreChihuahuas are named after the state of Chihuahua in Mexico. Chihuahuas are the smallest dog breed in the world. Despite
Read MoreSuccess is not a destination, it’s a journey. Debt is dumb. Cash is king. The number one cause of financial
Read MoreMy trust in the Lord is unshakeable, because I know he guides my path. Time is irrelevant to me. I
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